In honour of this being Mother’s Day in America. I have never been a mum, but I am a birth mother. This poem is for the baby I gave birth to.

dear colleen

not your real name
i don’t know your name
daughter by birth
mother by birth
never your mom
my greatest gift to you, your parents
my gift to them, your naming
loving you so fiercely I had to protect you
from me

shredding my soul to make sure
there would never be a day
i turned to you in anger
and said
if it wasn’t for you I
could have
would have
been, done
something, anything
nothing

could not put you in danger
from me
had to protect you
from me
had to make sure
i could never hurt you

fought hard to see you
they didn’t want to let me
it would be easier they said
but they didn’t know
anything
how could they know
anything

i held you, you know
you were five days old
counted your toes, memorised your eyes
and told you goodbye
told you how beautiful you are
told you I love you
told you about your big sister
adopted the year before

they weren’t me and
they weren’t you and
they didn’t know how fiercely
i would fight for you
for your life, your happiness and security
fight for you to be safe
they didn’t know I’d tear out my heart
to protect you